A New Year

A friend wished me yesterday  - "advance wishes for arbitrary day on roman calendar." The thought had occupied my mind for some time - that we celebrate what is an absolutely arbitrary day of the year. However, extend that thought and any day that is celebrated would seem arbitrary. The point, therefore, would be to celebrate a year gone by. Be it new years', birthdays or religious festivals. It is a time to look back and reflect. Also a time, perhaps, to look forward and plan.

The year gone by has, again, been very eventful. I started the year spending a lot of time in the gym and doing my now notorious '100 surya namaskars each day.'  March was the time of travel - Israel, Turkey, Athens and Budapest. The summer was a glorious one spent in London, with more travel - North Italy, Brussels, Lyon, and Copenhangen. There was love, visits by family and friends, getting back to Oxford and all of that. Through all of this, I have been moving towards a holistic idea of who I am, and what I want to do in life. It has been challenging because I haven't looked back and asked such fundamental questions. I have followed an idea of success - primarily academic success - that took me to the places I went to. Simultaneously, I have been exposed to a certain idea of morality, to a certain notion of right and wrong. The idea, therefore, of finding the 'true self' becomes complicated. Is the 'true self' dependent on my history, and dependent on the ideas society has instilled in me? Or is it more innate - was I born with certain strengths and weaknesses that I can use to live a happy, purposeful life.

I suppose answers will come in due course of time, but I also want to have the process move a little faster. Therefore, I reflected on the two things that reflect what I want to do this coming year. One could call them a type of new year resolution. The two works I came up with are empathy and action. These two works, I hope, will serve as reminders of what I seek to achieve this year. The two also encompass a lot of other traits I thought desirable. For example, empathy includes humility and patience. Action includes discipline and perseverence. I want to move towards my goals this coming year, but always keep the good of other people at heart.

To start things off, I also made a more pragmatic new year resolution - to give a part of my scholarship money to those in need. Today I made another contribution to Milaap, this time for a village electrification program. For long, I thought that giving money was a lazy way to contribute. However, I now view it as a great commitment device that will help shape my non - monetary work, and be shaped by it. It is about putting my money where my mouth is. Plus, the Rhodes Scholarship is far too generous, and one that I received due to my extreme privilege. Like capitalism itself, I need to turn this scholarship and the associated opportunities into a machine to create greater surplus, and then send it back to the country and society I come from. A bit like the conscientous capitalists that Gandhi envisaged.

Michaelmas, 2015

I remember the first time I watched English Vinglish. It was one of the few post - college movies for which we could mobilise almost our entire group of friends, and we went to Connaught Place, watched the movie and then had birthday celebrations on the street. At the end of this fantastic scene from the movie, Sridevi says something that stuck with me since then - that when you don't like yourself, you tend to dislike everything associated with you and new things look attractive. When you learn to love yourself, then the same old life starts looking new, starts feeling nice.

That has been the story of this last term at Oxford. I did precisely the same things that I did last year - met a lot of new people, started living in a new house, took new courses, and partied a lot. And yet, whereas I remember last Michaelmas as very melancholic, this one seems joyous. The world around me has, of course, not changed much. It is the outlook that seems to have changed.

Positivity is a word one hears a lot, but I certainly didn't understand its potency till very recently. I like to believe that I climbed the ladder of success with blood on my hands. This 'blood' refers to feelings of envy, anger and frustration that has characterised my journey from Visakhapatnam to Oxford. I reacted very strongly to negative emotions, and worked very hard to fight with them, and that helped me professionally. I am at a crossroad now, have been for a year. I have come a long way, and I need to reset and start a new journey where laurels of the past willl show diminishing returns very quickly. And therefore I need to choose how to motivate myself.

The summer helped me let go of a lot of emotional baggage that I had been carrying. The feeling of hurt that I had accumulated over the years made me look at the world, and people around me, very cynically. I became sensitive, became afraid. Over this most beautiful summer, so many things and so many burdens from the past have been let go of. And I can finally once again engage in the activity of making myself a better individual. The fear of failure holds back the first step. With that gone, I feel ready for a marathon.

Profesionally, I can engage in things I want to do. I have spent much time this term working on RSSAF's consulting work. It brings back memories of St. Stephen's College and building institutions from the ground. I'm also taking my time looking for jobs, and am being more risk - tolerant in my job search. I also feel more confident about what I want to do, and preparing for the long-drawn task of looking for something suitable. Not much has been gained over the last year to explain this change. Except positivity.

The most important thing has been to treat myself as kindly as I tend to treat others. When my reaction to others who err is to forgive, why be needlessly harsh with myself? When I provide comfort to someone who messed up a relationship, why shouldn't I comfort myself similarly? The same logic should be applied the other way round - to treat others as one would like to be treated. When I expect empathy and kindness, why not give the same to others? I am trying to push the boundaries of my empathy, trying to see things from others' point of view. It's an ongoing journey of discovery. I'm excited.

Towards a life of simplicity

My persistent fear during the last few days in London over the summer was whether I would once again be consumed by Oxford. Oxford in general, and Rhodes House in particular, are full of people with strong opinions, and the courage and fortitude to bring change. There are strong movements, and counter-movements. At around the same time, it seemed to me that opinions on my facebook wall reached a new level - with frequent exchanges between those who like Modi and those who dislike him. It made me agitated, and gradually that agitation made way for sadness.

I often wanted to sit down on my laptop and talk to some of those issues. I wanted to pose some questions, answer some that I knew about, and to generally try to put structure around these emotionally charged discussions. But I felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that my voice would be drowned. Overwhelmed by the fact that lines had already been drawn. Overwhelmed by the fact that maybe, just maybe, I am actually ignorant - that those who've taken positions understand it much better than I do.

But then I remembered that being overwhelmed is something I have felt before. I felt overwhelmed when, on seeing 'predicted scores' given by my teachers, my foreign admissions counsellor scoffed "as if you're ever going to get these." I felt overwhelmed when, long back, I worked very hard but never performed well academically. I felt overwhelmed when my friends were unfairly and unceremoniously ejected from student bodies. I felt overwhelmed when, despite my academic and extracurricular performance, I was never considered for any college awards. In each case, I felt hopeless and lost as I now do. And in each case, I did what my parents taught me best - to quietly work hard - to finally find redemption.

Today, I have come to a position of extreme privilege. I started life riding the wave of opportunities that my parents created for me, an already privileged existence in the Indian context. Mile by mile, I have travelled so far that I am now well entrenched in the system. Where do I go from here?

For the answers, I looked back. My greatest journeys were ones of service. Service towards friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. At those times, when I was faced with heart-break, humiliation, jealousy, angst and so, so many strong emotions, the idea of service lead me to the state where I am. If there is something that has motivated me unlike anything else, it is this idea of service. And that is something I have tried to do over the past few weeks. For example, this year my birthday was preceded and followed by several days of doubt, like it has for the past 5-6 years. I wanted to do something meaningful, and found that meaning in donating money at milaap. I have immersed myself with RSSAF's consulting work so that I can find myself creating change in people's lives. One of the organisations I consulted came back with the case of a severely handicapped girl in Uganda. I have no context or specialisation - with disability, with gender, with sub - saharan Africa. And yet, I was moved to action. By an unspoken, yet compelling bond. By the idea of service.

What does this imply for my participation in discussions and movements that I am surrounded by? The idea of service, to me, is to reduce myself to zero - to nothingness. Because my service will remain insufficient if I look at it with eyes tained with myself, and my experiences. This insignificance brings clarity, and clarity brings a fortitude that is unshakeable. Towards this simplicity, and that strength, I seek to move.

Ferment Within

Last Friday, I made my way to London to visit a Durga Puja pandal. I reached just in time for the last anjali of the year, and sat through the dashami puja. At the same time, many Rhodes Scholars were in London to express solidarity with protestors in South Africa. They made their way to the South African High Commission and even made the High Commissioner sit with them on the ground and listen to them.

It's been a frequent occurence through the year. As part of the Rhodes Scholar community, I am exposed to a large number of inspirational (and often intimidatingly brilliant) young men and women seeking to disrupt the existing system. There is a revolutionary fervour in the air. There is impatience with status quo. And there is boldness in attacking the system. 

However, my battles have mostly been within. This experience at Oxford has given me the opportunity and the distance to be able to look at my own actions and try to make sense of them. It has given me the opportunity to be critical of thoughts I have had and actions I have undertaken. It is a process that has gained momentum since I read Gandhi's autobiography. Gandhi, a deeply flawed political leader and activist, showed a great deal of self-awareness and honesty. That is something that I seek to replicate.

I was recently asked in a professional conversation what I want to do in life. I said that I wanted to earn enough money, and keep myself professionally excited and engaged. But what I really seek to do is to initiate and contribute to, and to learn from, a conversation about this internal ferment. I want to continue to push myself to be a better and more sensitive human being, and I want people to know about my thoughts (so they can learn) and I want to learn from them so I can advance myself.

I also believe that this kind of clarity will help me be more impactful professionally. At work, I have often found myself face the temptation to confirm to what is common. However, over time I have come to start giving shape to what I believe would be my way of navigating workplaces. I sought to, and at least partially succeeded in, harmonising how I behave in my personal and professional lives.

The Durga Puja in London was my way to reconnect with my cultural heritage. But it was also a way for me to engage with my past and to reflect. The festival will return again next year - reminding us of the circularity of life, the ebb and flow of this mortal existence. The only hope is that the next time it comes around, we'll be in a better place.

Communal Violence and Politics in India

The discussion about communalism has come to the centre stage in national discourse once again. The allegedly beef-related lynching in Dadri, followed by the protest by writers, has raised fears of a saffron - induced surged in communal incidents. The fact that communal riots are driven by political considerations is well - understood. However, there is a large number of bbooks about what increases the probability of communal riots. The book 'Votes and Violence' by Wilkinson was one such book that I happened to read. It is a painstakingly put together econometric analysis of communal incidents in India since independence. The results, while reinforcing certain widely-held beliefs, also discredits other notions that we have.

While researching for my article on Islam for The Indian Opinion, my focus was very much on the question of law and order. Wilkinson's book helped me think through many such issues. Some facts were validated - for example, that communal incidents saw a major spike in the 1990s (coincident with the rapid rise of the BJP). Wilkinson set up several different specifications of his basic model with the probability of riots as the dependent variable. In each such specification, whether there were elections in the next 6 months was a statistically significant independent variable. Using instrumental variables, Wilkinson also argued that economic competition between Hindus and Muslims does not impact communal incidents at all. Evidently, the premiss for a communal conflagration has to be conjured up from nothingness. Hence the freak incidents of the kind we saw in Dadri are either engineered or exploited to create communal tension.

What is interesting, however, is the role of caste - based politics in containing communal riots. When Lalu Prasad talks about 'mandal' (caste) versus 'kamandal' (communal) politics, he is (intentionally or unintentionally) making a very valid point. Communal riots are seen to be more likely in bi-polar states, where political consolidation between two parties reduces the importance of the muslim vote. Caste politics, by fragmenting the Hindu vote, makes the muslim voters more important at the margin, and therefore reduces the likelihood of communal incidents. Law and order is a state subject, but communal riots are no less likely to happen in Congress-ruled states than in other states. There are many other such findings that Wilkinson presents; I would therefore strongly recommend the book to anyone interested in this topic.

Question of technology

Modi's visit to the facebook headquarters generated much debate in India regarding net neutrality in general and facebook's intentions behind the tricoloured display pictures in particular. This subsequently spilled over into an access vs. neutrality debate, and a few branches of the debate reached the technology vs. basic services debate. It is the last one that I seek to talk about in this post.

The trouble with evaluating the impact of most technology - based products is that the major impact happens through externalities. Therefore, if we try to measure the outcomes by the impact on individual households, we will always underestimate the impact of such products. There are also other issues. For example, increased attendance in couchsurfing gatherings has been observed to be positively related to a sense of belonging to the community; and hosting a guest shown to have a positive relationship with trust. However, in case the causal relationship runs in the opposite direction, could products like couchsurfing be making society worse off by segregating between two sections? Ignoring questions about negative consequences, let us focus on the more positive aspects. For example, independent media has often been shown to lead to many positive societal outcomes. However, the impact on the life of the marginal consumer would be quite low due to the externality problem. To add to that, because the consumer may not fully internalise the long - term benefits of these products, making fair comparisons inherently a difficult task.

If we narrow down to products which have immediate returns to consumers, we run into many that impact the middle segments of the population - ones who are significantly more prosperous than the BOP populations, but not wealthy enough to be excluded from other things. Take credit, for instance. Due to asymmetric information (and general risk aversion on the part of lenders), markets left to themselves lead to under-provisioning of credit. Technology, therefore, turns out to be an excellent tool to remove informational barriers. One might argue that access to facebook doesn't have any benefits (thought many will disagree). However, when social media activity becomes a gateway to credit access, facebook can turn into a tool for social empowerment. Companies such as Lenddo are creating a new industry where big data can be unsed to create the next wave of financial inclusion. Removal of informational barriers can also lead to benefits in more traditional goods markets. This is especially true for small producers and traders, for whom access to information (and storage) can often be prohibility expensive. For example, the introduction of mobile phones in the early 2000s was seen to lead to an increase of 8% in the profits of fishermen in Kerala[1]. There were also more wide - ranging benefits, including a 4% reduction in the average price of fish in these areas.

However, we are still talking in the realm of the middle class. What has technology got for the people at the bottom of the pyramid? Can technology reasonably impact the lives of those struggling for food, energy and shelter? Once again, technology as a medium for spreading information can help address some of the very basic issues of survival for large swathes of the population. The Chhattisgarh PDS turnaround was aided by technology, albeit alongside other systemic changes. Something as simple as sending SMS notification to villagers when the PDS truck leaves for the fair price shop can reduce pilferage and increase foodgrain availability to the poor. Having reduced wastage and pilferage from 40-50% to less than 10% in a short span of time, Chhattisgarh has shown that technology can help address the needs of the poor.

In conclusion, if one views technology as an end in itself, the impact may be too diffused and long - term to care about, especially for a country like India with more pressing concerns. However, if one looks at technology as an enabler, and as a disruptor of non - tech sectors, then one can start seeing some of the benefits of technology vis-a-vis other more traditional interventions. At the end of the day, few interventions - including technology - would be effective in a vacuum. It needs to be supported by government will and space for innovation.

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1 - The Digital Provide: Information (Technology), Market Performance and Welfare in South Indian Fisheries Sector - Robert Jensen (The Quarterly Journal of Economics, Vol. 122, No. 3 - Aug 2007)

A year in the UK

Poorva yesterday pointed out that it has been exactly a year since I left India to start a new chapter of my life in the UK. I am trying to remember how I felt. At the time of applying for the scholarship, I was just very unsure - I thought that I would be immensely unhappy in a foreign land, and therefore doing a degree abroad was simply not worth it. Then I got the scholarship, decided to pursue it, and continued with life at McKinsey. After spending a few months on a project in Amsterdam, I started feeling more confident. As I got closer to leaving, I was almost defiant. I had been told things about life in the UK, and I was determined to continue life as it is.

One year down the line, I feel like I have completely yielded while maintaining the pretense that I haven't yielded at all. Many things have changed. Many more have remained the same. I coped up much, much better than I had expected. In fact, it was something I realised about myself - that I am designed to cope well with solitary life. It goes back to my childhood when I could keep myself entertained for long hours. It's quite wonderful how these idiosyncracies of the childhood can become great strengths (or weaknesses) when grown up. But that's a tangential point. I want to write about my most significant learnings this past year.

My biggest learning is that, willingly or unwillingly, we become ambassadors for communities we come from. Despite not being overtly 'Indian' in what I talked about or what I wore or how I behaved, just my familiarity with all things Indian made me some sort of representative of India. I then felt a burden of trying to be a good representative of my country - positive and neutral at the same time. Many of my ruminations this past year have been about India, about its victories and its contradictions. Some of my thoughts are captured in the blog post I wrote earlier this year.

The second learning has been about how valuable discipline is in the western world. Being lazy can be very costly here, just because the entire burden of one's world is on one's own shoulders. Unlike India, we do not have cheap labour to help us discharge the mundane activities of daily life. It's not even necessarily the maid (or servants), but even the ubiquitous families that set up an ironing shop in every housing complex. Which makes me wonder how this world is essentially a treadmill - we earn more, drive up prices so much that the standard of living may be the same, or even lower. Of course, that doesn't justify not correcting the historical injustices of the cheap labour that we silently exploit. However, it also calls for discussion on where we as humankind are heading. Keeping social or cultural aspects away - even economically, do we want India to become like the UK? Or do we want to create a different society? If yes, what will that society look like? And are we heading in the right direction, then?

Travelling has been one of the highlights of my time in the UK. Europe has been a frequent hunting ground just because of physical proximity. Travelling has given me some new perspectives in life, and as I look ahead to a long time of no travel (except to India), I have the consolation of having travelled very frequently recently. I have made friends from across the global, and some of the conversations I have had have been very encouraging. It has also been most exciting to compare and contrast those with India. All in all, I am glad that I made the decision to come here - it has added to me in very significant ways. Staying in India and working there would also have surely added to me, and I am in no position to compare whether I would have been better off or worse. I can also look at my present contentment, and justify that decision.

Good night.

Humilty

I have recently been in a long-drawn unpleasant experience. For weeks, I tried to be extremely understanding. My patience was tested, and at times I experienced my body giving me very evident signs of stress that I tried to hide. Finally, one fine day, I let it out as verbal aggression towards another person. Things have improved since then, and I find this individual's behaviour towards me having become much better. I have since then returned to my old peaceful ways.

I have been thinking lately about humility, and found my dilemma analogous to this situation. Till what point do I try to be humble, and at what point do I crack the whip and use arrogance (or at least high-self esteem) as a tool to discipline my world? Humility, in my experinece, is one of the most valued traits people want to see. The esteem in which humble and successful people are held is amazing. I have sometimes craved for that kind of adulation, creating a perverse incentive within me to display humility that I don't really feel within. As I find my feet in the world, that tendency has thankfully been going away.

But my initial dilemma remains. I like to differentiate between public and private humility. Private humility is what one experiences in the conversation one has to have with oneself. To me, this aspect of humility is absolutely necessary. I have found that arrogance breeds a tendency for self-preservation; and therefore stagnation. Arrogance is status quo-ist. Humility, by keeping me on my toes, makes me look for avenues to grow. Very important, also, is humility towards one's past. I have seen around me people who show condescension towards how they were in the past - the way they looked, talked, behaved, etc. However, I find this pointless, and perhaps a bit damaging. At the end of the day, it is the hard work of that "past I" that brought me here; that "past I" has achieved more than the present I has, and therefore deserves respect. Internally, I find peace in reminding myself that I am only a reflection of the "past I"'s, which itself is a reflection of other people - friends, families, peers, teachers, situations etc. The more I think about it, the more I realise how much my inner values are shaped by my parents, especially my father. I realise how much my external relations are shaped by my mother's relation with me, and my friends' unflinching love for me. From the Sanskrit teacher in Grade 8 who talked about the benefits of breathing through the nose to the English teacher in Grade 5 whose pronunciation of my name I have now retained - it is only over time that someone's influence becomes clearer. It is disarming, and comforting, to know that very little of who I am has anything to do with me.

Humility externally is the bigger struggle. Arrogance is often useful to establish presence or to demand respect. However, the more I think about it, the more I find 'success' to be found not in being a leader, but in either being a follower or finding followers. Teams, and not people, are what create success. And for this purpose, humility is what helps forge teams. A willingness to acknowledge mistakes, and to go the extra mile to make teams work. And then, external and internal humilty creates harmony in life that'll probably make you happier. At times in life, I have found myself so split between internal humility and external arrogance - and that is something I'd rather avoid. Of course, given the stage of life I am at, I know very little about what works and what doesn't. Some day, hopefully, when I will be genuinely successful, I will have a more developed point of view about this.

Till then, if you're reading this and have an opinion you feelI could benefit from, feel free to email, WhatsApp, message, whatver. 

On love. And companionship.

It has been a quiet summer, away from the hustle and bustle of regular life. I have had some time to absorb the new experiences of the past year, and reflect on what I have learnt and where I have come. The transformations within myself have been natural and building up over the last year, but now was a good time to reflect.

One of the major learnings I have had is my new way of dealing with this thing called love. I belonged to the school of fanatic, all - encompassing love. I loved intensely, and at several points in the past found myself on the verge of falling apart, but picked myself up, achieved something professionally and then glossed over the injuries festering within. Working for two years had numbed me to an extent, but when I came to Oxford and was pulled into the cacophony of new relationships, I found that my healing process hadn't been completed. I found myself drawn once again into the cycle of attachment - expectation - disappointment - disillusionment. Once again, my response was a strong professional comeback. I exercised. Did yoga. Did a bunch of extra - curricular stuff. That created a distance between my mind and my experiences, and have since then helped me weave myself away from that to new beginnings. To companionship.

Companionship, to me, is love on slowburn. The flames of passion are subdued, and the bond of duty is what guides the ship towards a destination. Companionship enables. It holds your hand gently and walks with you. It helps you grow. It is there for you to talk to. It is there to admonish you gently, and yet come to your rescue whenever you're in trouble.

My recent life had only been an attempt to be a magnanimous and generous lover, but now I see how short - sighted I had been. Relationships, like much of life, need much investment. Good relations probably have lots of patience. When one wraps love in these layers, that is where it starts becoming companionship for me. My thoughts on this subject are still evolving, and I'll post next when I've matured my thoughts a bit further.

A bit of giving

Two weeks back, my Nico and I were dining at a Syrian restaurant in London. When the bill came, he being American wanted to tip 10%. For me, however, tipping was always a bit of an elite game - an act of charity for people who weren't as well of. Coming from India, I have probably been exposed to far more of those who would be called 'Bottom of the Pyramid.' I argued, therefore, that I couldn't tip waiters in London while I know there are people in much worse conditions in India who could probably make much better use of that money. Nico, unfortunately, isn't one to give in so easily. He refused to see the link between the money I saved by not tipping and the money I would give other 'more needy' people. My 'trickle - down' arguments failed to cut much ice either.

After over an hour of arguing over this, Nico proposed a solution - he would pay the entire tip whenever we ate out, and I would have to contribute 50% of that amount to charity at the end of his stay in London. So, from Oxford to Copenhagen, we kept the 'tip tracker' ticking, and by the end of it I owed £14.5 to those in need. Over the last one month of working at an Impact Investing fund, I came across several Kiva - like models, and decided that I was most comfortable and content lending to such a place. So, I decided to contribute a small sum to a group on the website Milaap. The amount will help fund a loan for a group of women in Aizawl, Mizoram, who are seeking to expand their business.

This experiment has forced me to think more actively about transitioning from the world of thoughts and ideas to the world of action. I see three types of giving back to society - money, time and intellect. Money has ranked lowest in my priority because I have always doubted its efficacy at low scale. But then, its a great starting point, and a good way to put your money where your heart (or mouth) is. It's been a great half - year of learning and thinking about social change. Here's hoping I'd be able to do more as the year progresses.

Being Average

In a great scene in an otherwise forgettable Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu, Kareena Kapoor explains to Imran Khan the advantages of being 'average.' Average, she says, is calm; average is predictable; average is easy to live with. I have the advantage that I was once a very mediocre student; I used to work quite hard but didn't perform that well. Am I happier today than I was then? Professional and academic successes have pushed me to new shores, but are these shores that I am happier on? It is difficult to find an answer, of course, because my 'average' years also coincided with my childhood and, ceteris paribus, childhood is a happier period of one's life. Maybe I can turn around the question and locate the sources of unhappiness in my present situation and link it to the lack of 'averageness.'

I dislike the fact that I have no 'home' to return to; that my 'home' is a room that only I live in. I miss coming back to a family; a place where doors didn't divide the home into personal fiefdoms. I miss having a balcony overlooking the locality, where I could sit and ruminate. I miss the chatter of daily existence; the boisterous kids playing cricket, the older people taking evening walks. It is, unfortunately, the lack of 'above-average' jobs in Kolkata that now prevent me from being at that place I can call home. I had to stay back in Delhi when my parents moved so I could get a better education, then had to stay in Delhi during college because that's where the best economics colleges are; had to work in Delhi because McKinsey has no Kolkata office, and then transplanted to Oxford because that's where 'upward and onward' got me.

I miss my friends. I still form friendships (maybe more numerous) but I'm not sure if I'd be able to fall and have one of those friends catch me in free fall and make me stand up. One of my biggest fears now is that I'll never be in the same city as my good ol' friends ever again - that life will become a continuous cycle of moving on and forming new friendships. A big part of 'above-averageness' in today's world is probably in moving to bigger and better places. The benefits are obvious and immediate. The costs are often more long term, and more subtle. Am I sure that my latent loneliness isn't chipping away at whatever made me click? I don't know.

Don't get me wrong. I have the greatest appreciation for whatever opportunities I have had the fortune of having. The only thing I want to warn myself is to not get carried away in this wave of, and race for, success. I want to keep reminding myself that success is not happiness. That all costs are not internalised immediately. I want to make professional sacrifices for personal happiness; even as I sacrifice personal happiness for professional success. I want to find that spot in this world where I am at my happiest. Where I have a home, however imperfect, to return to. Where I have friends, however annoying, to engage with me. Every day.

The Labour Conundrum

The condition of labourers in India is often used to drive home the image of the exploitative corporate. There is, of course, a modicum of truth to this generalisation. Private enterprise does respond only to profit, and therefore the condition of labour would not be their primary concern. However, what is also undeniable is the ability of private enterprise to stir growth in the economy and hence drive people out of poverty - either directly through employment or through increase in government tax revenue that can then be spent on provision of basic services. Therefore, the question becomes - under what conditions is private incentive incompatible with social good? This will guide us to the answer.

There are nuances, and we must be cognisant of these nuances before making policy recommendations. I am not an expert in this field, and therefore do not claim to have the definitive answer. However, there are a few observations I have that I believe might be useful to put out in the public domain. I worked with a lot of data while working on McKinsey's 'India's Path from Poverty to Empowerment' report. While this wasn't directly a part of my workstream, Chapter 2 of the report is a great summary of what might be wrong with India's economy, and does talk a lot about labour.

My opinion on this question of labour, however, was shaped by the time I spent at a factory in rural Gujarat. Every day over seven months, I interacted with a cross section of employees at this factory and understood the dynamic of unemployment. Two things were most clear - one, that both the contract labourers and the factory wanted to convert contract labourers into permanent employees; and secondly, labour laws designed to 'protect' labour were, in fact, doing them the most harm. Let me elucidate on both.

Contract labour markets are extremely chaotic and unreliable. To understand this, one should literally imagine a truck leaving the factory in the morning, stopping by in the nearby villages and picking up labourers to work at the factory for the next eight hours. The reality is somewhat more nuanced, but not drastically different. Workers are paid day-by-day, and therefore have no long-term contracts and basic employee protection. They can be barred from work at the whim of the corporate. There is bare minimum protection against accidents at work. That is the nature of such contract employment that is seem to be the most exploitative of employment opportunities. On the other end, corporates are not very happy with this set-up either. Something as trivial as a marriage in the village or rains can cause massive productivity losses in the factory. The worker cannot be trained to improve productivity, since there is no guarantee that he will turn up the next day. Factory owners would prefer to have a greater commitment from the worker but usually isn't able to receive it.

What is the villain in the story? The very same labour laws that were once meant to protect labour. The cost of employment for the factory owner increases dramatically at certain numbers. For example, above 100 employees, the cost of firing employees increases substantially and factories are therefore loathe to increase the number of (permanent) employees unless the benefits are high too. Therefore, Indian manufacturing displays the phenomenon of the 'missing middle' wherein workers are employed either in small - scale enterprises or really large ones; and there is a large number of workers who are in contract employment. For example, employees in large scale enterprises (greater than 200 employees) are 8 times as productive and earn 4.5 times as much as workers in small scale enterprises (less than 49 workers). The following exhibit from the McKinsey report is enlightening:

Labour laws can also easily become a way for corrupt bureaucrats to extract 'quasi - rents' from corporates. Transparent and secular labour laws can dramatically improve employment generation in a state. For example, the share of the organised sector in overall employment is 21 to 22 percent in 'labour-friendly' states such as Gujarat, Karnataka and Maharashtra, as compared to an all - India average of 14 percent. Organised sector workers get many of the benefits that one would believe that workers should have. Moreover, one can see that the relatively less 'pro-employer' states such as Bihar, Assam and West Bengal are also the laggards in economic growth.

In a country at India's stage of development, where there is massive disguised unemployment in agriculture that is waiting to be released, labour protection is extremely important. However, in trying to protect the labour that is already employed, we might fall prey to the typical 'insider-outsider bargaining problem,' where protecting the already employed might harm the interests of those who could be potentially employed. A thorough re-look at labour laws is required if India wants to pull its citizens out of poverty quicker.

Trinity Term, Year 1

My friend Mubashir is my mirror. Nobody has ever analysed my life and its decisions in such depth as this guy has, and nobody has pushed me to think about it so much either. I was forced to think what part of me is really intrinsic and what part of me is just me trying to create a different me. It has therefore been a truly fascinating term, one that was happy and reflective at the same time.

I try to imagine that back in December, had someone told me that by May I would enter one of the most pleasant phases of my life, I would have laughed. Deep scars had just be re-opened, and my confidence lay at an all-time low. It is when man falls in his own eyes that the light at the end of the tunnel seems like an illusion, a consolation to a broken soul. But, in impatience, if one tries to put the weight of mountains on feeble shoulders, those shoulders will crack. I now feel lucky to have found the ground under my feet, to have found the hand with a healing touch, and in the process found myself. I now know that there is always hope; and as long as one keeps the head high, one gets there. 

The entire year has been one of exploration, and that was the point of leaving an overbearing identity to come here and start from scratch again. To run, to fall, to try and get up, to limp, and finally to take flight - that was what I was excited about, and that is where I have finally come. I sit in my room, writing this post, with several empty bottles of wine and cans of red bull lying in front of me, a little pink flower in a soda bottle, A heap of washed clothes that need ironing. The shelves emptied of books resembling a battle field. A pressure cooker with dal and a vessel of pulao. This experience at Oxford has helped me explore bits of me that I didn't know existed.

One night, as I walked back with Mubashir, I took a stroll down memory lane to the Subhashish of Class VIII - the one who worked very hard, and yet didn't perform very well academically. I reminisced about the Subhashish of Class XI who went to quiz after quiz, and never won any of them, but kept going back because he believed that he began a journey with someone and didn't want to let her down. The one who began to memorise every word of the dictionary because he wanted to speak better English. The one who begged the 'powers that be' at school to give him the opportunity to excel. The one who stayed alone for a year, without television or internet, because that was the price that was asked of him. My life took a very dramatic turn on May 22, 2009 - and it is very hard for me to remember life before that. Everything since then has been dramatic, like a movie. I have felt so blessed, as if this was the accumulated karma of all those years. The point is not that there was an upward trajectory, but that there existed something before that. Something that was perhaps more mellow, and something I might have tended to look down upon. But something that is as integral a part of my as everything since then. Something that shapes who I am. I found a new respect for my past.

And that night, while talking about those days before May 22, I rediscovered the joy of failure. Because I remembered that the success I had seen of late just didn't compare with the years and years of failures I had seen before that. And I felt the fear of failure melting away. Things came to a head during the examinations, as the stress levels began to rise. But I found myself much better equipped to deal with it. The fear of failure, of course, will never completely go away. But I have finally begun to internalise how this is all a part of what I am, of what the human experience is about. If I could have come from that little room in DSOI, Dhaula Kuan, to this little room on Rose Lane, Oxford, then I can do that again. Failure will set me back, but failure will give me the tools to build something new.

But failures exist everywhere. Mubashir, my dearest friend, is as blunt and honest as they come, and one day he proclaimed 'Subhashish, you have succeeded at everything in life except love.' I often pass that spot where, back in December, the fear of another failure in love had crippled me. I played the tape of failure in my mind constantly. I made myself believe that I was incapable of this thing called love. Maybe I am. But what I do know now is that I do much better in life without that additional pressure. I learnt to value what I did right. That I did not let bitterness fill my life; that I continued to care, continued to love. That the spirit of sacrifice wasn't gone. That I had made myself immune to public ridicule because I knew that my heart was in the right place. Because I believed, and continue to believe, that at the end of all this, there will be redemption. When the weight of my actions will finally be balanced by the truth that I loved, and loved unconditionally. That one night, several months later, I could stand with my head held high and profess my love once again. And yet know that the love was noxious; that it was never meant to be. And then, for the first time in life, leave it behind and move on to something new. This, of course, isn't love as I once knew it, but it is something so refreshingly different that it makes me feel really happy within every single time. Things may, and probably will, go wrong. But there's no fear any more. In fact, there's a dead end waiting for me round the corner, but there's both hope that this isn't a dead end, and strength that even if it is, life will carry on.

Through all of this, I am grateful for the kindness I have been showered with. For all the times my friends have been annoyed with me; because that is when I have had the opportunity to stop and reflect. For my friends back home who have supported me so much over the last year; for all their encouragement and their love. For those who tell me what they like about me, and what they dislike. For those who tell me how I can be a better person. I had forgotten that life is a never-ending adventure. It took me a few hard knows to remember. And now I wait, with baited breaths, for the next adventure to begin. So I can run, fall and get up once again. 

A response to this article that was circulated on the Rhodes Scholars google group:
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jun/03/city-corporates-destroy-best-minds

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Thanks for sending this article, Vivek, and for recently encouraging me to reply on this thread. As someone who already worked at McKinseybefore getting the scholarship, I have been amused at how the firm has, within the Rhodes community here, come to represent a particular kind of corporate culture. We are supposed to 'fight the world's fight', and that might explain our discomfort with these firms.

I believe, however, that if we end up believing that there is a set path to create a better world, and that these jobs are far removed from that path, then we risk falling prey to the kind of dogma that will prevent us from reaching that aim. There are different ways and approaches to improving the world, and people can and should be free to contribute in ways they want to. When we stop making sweeping generalisations and look within these firms to find individuals, I think we will realise that it is the individual who decides what to do with their life, and finds the best way to do it. 

1. Is consulting 'pointless', 'destructive', 'soul sucker' and 'useless': These are some of the adjectives Monbiot uses for jobs such as management consulting. Many Rhodes scholars have also expressed such apprehensions, albeit in more polite ways. Now, there are things that one would universally consider 'useful' or 'constructive', and then there are things that would may find useful depending on their values. I worked for several months on a report* that advised the government, among other things, to have a re-look at the abysmally low official poverty numbers, to increase spending on basic services such as healthcare and sanitation, to keep a strong role for the public sector and to improve governance to enable the poor to participate more fully. I also remember the days I spent in one of the poorest districts of India, working on a project that would bring electricity to a fraction of the ~ 400 million people in India living without any access to electricity. I fail to see what is 'pointless' or 'destructive' in what I did. Working in a plant to increase output might not seem like it contributes to making the world a better place, but then when I interacted with the (contracted) labourers, it was most obvious to me that what the economically weaker sections want is growth and jobs and all of that. Management consulting firms, therefore, are a pareto improvement over status quo.
   
   
2. We have but one life. However much money we make, we cannot buy it back: Firstly, I might not agree with someone who seeks to make lots of money, but that doesn't in any way make me right and him wrong. Just makes us different. Simple. The good thing about places like McKinsey is that they are secular. For thousands of people in countries such as India, they provide us an opportunity to live the life that we could never dream of. For example, it might be easy for scholars from first-world countries to imagine just packing their bags and leaving for foreign shores, but for me, McKinsey was the first time I stepped outside India. The entry barriers (visa procedures) set up for us are rather high, and take a lot of money (and time) to scale. And to be honest, I probably wouldn't be a Rhodes Scholar if it wasn't for my time at McKinsey. Because the lavish settings in which the Rhodes interviews are conducted intimidate anyone who isn't born into a modicum of privilege. We need to reflect on how many of our institutions, including our scholarship, are truly secular in the way a McKinsey is. Like those organisations, do we create opportunities based purely on merit (however it may be defined), or do we reward privilege with even more privilege? One needs only to go to Gurgaon, once a dusty suburb of Delhi but today the richest district in India, to witness this story of hope. Hope that isn't restricted to the corridors of privilege.
   
   
3. Is consulting a 'cult': Monbiot starts with saying that the purposes of humankind is to seek enlightenment, intellectual or spiritual; to do good; to love and be loved and to teach. I completely agree, but I fail to see what about management consulting prevents one from doing that. I found lots of love from people at McKinsey when I was there; some of them have, in fact, contributed to making me whatever I am today (for good or for bad). When I had typed out the email withdrawing my Rhodes Application after clearing the first round, it was a McKinsey Associate who prevented me from doing so by writing to the Partner on the study who convinced me over the next several interactions to give this experience a chance over the private equity offer I had. An Engagement Manager at McKinsey taught me to stand up for what I believe in, and to not mince words, in the face of disagreement from those 'senior' to me. These are skills one can also learn outside McKinsey - which is my point. These firms are reflections of the world. One will find the good, the bad and the ugly. Just need to learn how to deal with it. It isn't a 'cult' and certainly didn't trap me, neither did it try to.
   
   

The point around recruitment practices is one, as Natalya pointed out, something that is the most worthwhile to discuss. Some of it is justified because these occupations are unknown commodities and hence these firms need to make an effort to make themselves visible in a way academia or civil services don't need to. Where do we draw the line? How do we redistribute resources? And if we make an effort to level the playing field at university recruitment, what about later in life? Certainly those willing to 'sell out' to these firms after University would also tend to 'sell out' to them later in life? Brings me to my final question - are these students really our best graduates?

Regards,

SB

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* India's Path from Poverty to Empowerment: http://www.mckinsey.com/insights/asia-pacific/indias_path_from_poverty_to_empowerment

Gandhi Must Fall

On 13 April this year, a statue of Gandhi in Johannesberg was defaced and protesters raised placards reading 'Gandhi must fall.'  I see around me an attempt to discredit the Mahatma due to the racism he displayed towards black South Africans. Yet, in ignoring Gandhi's journey from Man to Mahatma, these 'activists' display a violence of thought that would make their quest for equality more difficult.*

For an Indian citizen, I am embarrassingly ignorant about Gandhi. I never needed to know more about him than I already knew. After all, those who seek to discredit Gandhi within India have had to resort to the most banal of arguments - the muslim-appeasing, weak, megalomaniacal Mahatma; the one who caused the partition, the one who left us with the Nehru-Gandhi family et al. A few months after I came to Oxford, I was jolted out of this complacence by a Rhodes Scholar, who called the Mahatma a 'nappy-wearing racist' on facebook. This was my first incentive to know more about Gandhi, and I picked up his autobiography. The next was another Rhodes Scholar who said 'but he beat his wife!' I kept reading, because I cannot talk about something I do not know. Most recently, when I quoted what Gandhi wrote about Israel in 1939, a Rhodes Scholar commented 'given how problematic Gandhi's remarks on apartheid in South Africa were (often full of anti-black sentiment), I don't see how his view is at all relevant.' I was hurt, not because I believe Gandhi was the perfect human being, but because I view this as symptomatic of a tendency to discredit all of Gandhi because of sensitivities around racism. Putting my reading on hold for a moment, I am compelled to put together my thoughts on this issue. For the record, I disagree vehemently with him, but more on that later.

• General disdain for blacks or 'Kaffirs' (1894 - 1911): Gandhi's writings from the time he spent in South Africa reflect a desire to, rather than attain equality with the whites, distinguish the Indians or Asiatics from the natives or 'Kaffirs' as he called them. Click here for a collection of quotes attributed to Gandhi. It is difficult for me to comment on the issue without having read precisely the texts that are quoted here**, but a few comments are in order. Firstly, Gandhi's thoughts and actions underwent a transformation over his life, and it seems that they began to distil into 'Gandhiism' only by the late 1910s. For example, Gandhi in the 1920s himself regretted his behaviour with his wife during their time in South Africa. If there is any truth in the allegations against Gandhi here, I am certain that he would have regretted them later in life***. Secondly, the complexity of this relationship is borne by this quote - "We may entertain no aversion to Kaffirs, but we cannot ignore the fact that there is no common ground between them and us in the daily affairs of life." Evidently, Gandhi believed that there is no intinsic reason to distinguish between the natives and Indians. He refers to the cultural differences that make assimilation untenable. Where Gandhi of this time may be found lacking is in accepting these differences and not wanting to bridge them. Gandhi's later actions in India, w.r.t. the Harijans or untouchables, a class of people who suffered discrimination perhaps unfathomable in any other part of the world, are testimony to his egalitarian nature. Gandhi's vision of India as a united state, where every citizen irrespective of religion, race or gender, had equal rights, is testimony to the fact that (the later) Gandhi can be called anything but racist.

• Participation in the war with the Zulus, 1906: After his participation in the Second Boer War as the leader of the Indian volunteer medics, Gandhi was once again on the side of the British during the Zulu rebellion. Gandhi's willingness to side with the British has not only been used to prove his antipathy towards the native black populations, but also to discredit him as a messiah of peace (click here). A few comments must be made. Firstly, Gandhi in 1906 was a supporter of the British empire; in fact, he envisaged a role for India within this empire and had not even thought of independence. As a faithful subject of the British empire, Gandhi felt duty-bound to come to the assistance of his nation. He said - "It is not for us to say whether the revolt of the Kaffirs is justified or not.. We re in natal by virtue of British power. Our very existence depends upon it. It is therefore our duty to render whatever help we can" Gandhi's repeated participation on the side of the British was driven by his duty towards his 'nation'. The same Gandhi sided with the British during the First World War, this time against 'white' enemies. On the second point, it seems that Gandhi's thoughts around war and violence were yet to fully develop. In any case, (the later) Gandhi would not have approved of a violent struggle for freedom as mounted by the Zulus in 1906, not would he have approved of the brutal British response. One must remember than in 1922, Gandhi called off a successful non-cooperation movement against British rule in India after a single incident of violence.

In conclusion, the sensitivity of the 'activists' towards racism is understandable. However, the hurry in knocking off the Mahatma from the pedestal he currently occupies is unwarranted. We are increasingly a generation of the impatient, and our activism and our ideals are also coloured by this impatience. Our ability to see things in the wider context has consequently suffered. There is certain merit in gradualism and patience. Gandhi needs a careful reading, one that I am still in the process of making. But more importantly, understanding Gandhi needs a clear mind. Trying to think from the Mahatma's perspective is difficult, but an attempt must be made. For me, Gandhi is the Mahatma or the 'Great Soul', not because I agree with him (which I do not), but I agree with how he reached the conclusions he did and what he did once he reached them. Gandhi's life was one big experiment, a continuous learning curve. He made mistakes on the way, as he admits himself. But if the 'activists' use these mistakes to denigrate an icon, I believe it will only do great disservice to their cause. Peace and love are powerful weapons. They may be advised to use them more. 

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* - all quotes attributed to Gandhi in this article are from secondary sources. I would request the readers to let me know if any mistakes so that I may correct them.

** - having read his autobiography, there is little reference, derogatory or otherwise, to the black population of South Africa. Gandhi comments intensely on the state of the Indian community and their relationship with the (white) administration

*** - if anyone has come across any comments that Gandhi makes about black Africans post - 1920, would be very grateful if you could send those to me

Comments on the Palestinian issue

I recently visited Israel as part of a trip organised by the Centre for Israel and Jewish Affairs (CIJA) for Rhodes Scholars. Over about a week, we criss-crossed the country and met several people from different walks of life. We did not, however, visit the West Bank. With that in mind, here are my thoughts about the issue.

The Palestinian question has so many connotations that it is difficult for any country to be truly neutral. It has a 'Christianity/Judaism v/s. Islam', 'West V/s. East', 'Capitalism V/s. Socialism/Non-Aligned' and may I say even 'Rich V/s. Poor' tinge to it. Reality is often distorted by fanaticism on both sides. The Middle East is such a unique place that it is often difficult, if not impossible, for someone sitting in the sub continent to grasp fully the issues plaguing the region.

This trip therefore made me think about this festering issue in a way I haven't thought before. The desire of the nation to maintain a semblance of normalcy is commendable; and yet, the manifestations of the conflict are highly visible. Outside of the official program, I met several people who introduced themselves to me in ethnic or religious terms - Arab, Jew or Druze. It is a challenge the like of which would be hard to find elsewhere. Yet, after days of merely listening to speaker after speaker, the contours of the solution became most obvious to me. I believe most of these would be least surprising to anyone who has thought about this previously.

• Forget: The global discourse of the conflict seems to focus on what is 'right.' Is it, for example, right for the Jewish people to return to (or occupy) a land that they last held as a political unit some 2000 years back, and one that has since then been populated by other people, most recently the Muslim Palestinians*? Can that be a basis for other ethno-religious claims of a displaced people, like that of the Zoroastrians on Iran? Was the partition plan feasible? Were the Muslims made to pay the price for a (Christian country's) Holocaust? I believe that answering these questions is futile - firstly, because there never is a 'right' or 'wrong'; akin to the fact that different ways of aggregating utilities yields different results in economics. Secondly, the last sixty-seventy years are also now a part of history. The inescapable truth is that over six million Jewish people now reside in Israel. Any future solution has to start today, with this fact in mind. Even if one believes that the creation of Israel was unfair, one cannot argue in favour of undoing the 'wrong' by removing the state - because that leaves the six million people vulnerable. Discussions about resolving the conflict needs to focus on (a) what is the status quo (b) what is the ideal solution (c) how can we get closest to this solution.

• Grow and Govern: The Israeli occupation of Palestine is an inescapable truth. Israel as a nation and the Jewish people as a community place a lot of importance on their safety, as exemplified in the motto 'never again.' Israeli occupation of the West Bank is important from a security point of view. If the West Bank goes the Gaza way, or if it becomes a breeding ground for terrorist organisations, that could seriously test the existence of the Jewish state. With the addition of the Yemen conflict, the entire region seems to be in a state of conflict. The military differential between Israel and its antagonistic neighbours is currently substantial, but will probably be blunted over time. Where does that leave us? It seemed to me that the two-nation solution is accepted as the only solution. When the state of Palestine will finally be created, it is in Israel's best interest that the state be strong, and a strong nation needs to have strong institutions. Hence, it is in Israel's best interest that the Palestinian people be guided, encouraged and even forced to have world-class institutions**. Actions such as withholding tax receipts from the Palestinian Authority because the latter joined the ICC do not create much confidence. The basic feature of institutions is that they are stable; Israel cannot have 'institutions' that are provided or withdrawn as per convenience. Israel must help create an independent, efficient and able judiciary, must help empower local governing bodies, and must lay the foundations of economic growth. So that when the day comes to hand over the reins to the Palestinian people, the Israeli state can be at peace.

• Integrate: Finally, something must be said about Israeli Arabs, as distinct from the Palestinians. I was recently reading about communal conflict in India, and Israel's case is eerily similar - a majority religion with about 80% of the population, an Islamic minority and a long history of conflict. With all its flaws, it seems to me that India has done better in addressing this problem. As an example, the Muslim community in India holds a 'political veto' - (with the possible exception of the Modi dispensation,) they are organised politically such that they can block any proposal detrimental to their society. In contract, the Arab parties in Israel are almost political pariahs for any government. I could see that efforts are being made to bridge the gap between Arabs and Jews, and I would like to study that further before making any further comment. Also germane to the discussion is the engagement of Israel with the Islamic world. With nearly half of the global Islamic population, the countries east of Pakistan could serve as Israel's gateway to the Muslim world. Many of these countries, in fact, recognise Israel. Israel, a country this is shrouded in myth and mystery for many of us in this part of the world, can do better to present itself in a different light.

In conclusion, what has happened in the region is a tragedy not just for the Arabs but for Jewish people too. While nobody deserves to live under foreign occupation, nobody deserves to live under existential threats either. Those who think about a solution to the issue need to imbibe a lot of pragmatism and long-term thinking. 

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* - Gandhi for example, sympathised with the Jewish people, before and after the Holocaust. However, he was against the idea of creating Israel by displacing the Palestinians. Click here for Gandhi's opinion about the Jewish people on the eve of the Holocaust.

** - There are two obvious counter - arguments to this. One, why should Israel pay the cost of developing institutions in Palestine? During the trip, the notion of a 'Security Tax' particularly appealed to me. Israel occupies Palestine for the sake of its security, and hence it is obligatory on Israel to pay for this added security (or compensate Palestinians for the lack of agency over their lives) through a (substantial) transfer of resources. The second counter - argument is why the Palestinians shouldn't be the ones building institutions? Of course they should, and they will need to be part of the process. But it would be impractical to imagine that the Palestinian leadership could do this all by itself. As the occupier, Israel will have to be part of the process.

Twins

I have been thinking of writing this post for a long time; and yet, something has been preventing me from doing so. Perhaps the enormity of the emotions I want to express, and my lack of faith in my ability to do so. Or maybe I have just been procrastinating. In either case, I think I must now make an attempt to write down what I feel.

India. 

I have recently been thinking intensely about what the relationship between my country and me is. How did this country impact who I am? And how do I interact with the country? How do I conduct myself as an Indian, both within the country and outside? What is my role in the millennia - old traditions of my nation? What colour do I add to the tapestry of our culture?

Thankfully, I realised that the question is much easier for me than it is for citizens of most other countries. India is an island. For thousands of years, the country has existed in peace with the world around it - never has any kingdom of the country mounted a large-scale and sustained invasion/migration to any other nation. The result being that I can say with some degree of confidence that my ancestors have inhabited this land since time immemorial. My religion, Hinduism, has remained isolated and stubborn in this little patch of land. My culture might have irradiated other parts of Asia and the world at large - but it has had an unbroken tradition going back to the beginning of history. The idea of my nation comes most naturally to me.

Indians.

To try and define Indians as an entity is probably the most difficult aspect of the jigsaw. Not only are there so many of us, but there is often very little similarity between us. We squabble, argue, litigate, riot and disagree in every way possible. What then keeps us Indian? As a Delhi boy, what is my link to someone in rural Kerala who looks very different and doesn't speak the same language as me? How do I associate with someone from Mizoram, a state whose people I have never seen and who also look very different from how I look.

How is it that we kill each other on religious grounds, yet our three top actors are all Muslims? How is it that we demolish mosques, and yet vote to make an Islamic mausoleum one of the wonders of the world? The more I think about Indians, I am amazed at just how well we have organised ourselves as a nation.

To get a sense of just how much we have achieved, we need to look at our neighbourhood. A failed Islamic democracy, a country torn by ethnic conflict, a country still dangling without a constitution, one torn between two chieftains, another still one of the most autocratic regimes, and our biggest neighbour - and rival - constantly criticised for the lack of human rights. Look further into Asia, into the constant upheaval of the middle East, to begin to understand how unique the country is. In every study of freedom and democracy, we are the outliers, the exceptions. I am in awe, so I will not even try to find reasons.t 

I,

Thinking through these various issues, peace finally came to me when I realised the profound impact this culture has had on me. Firstly, by virtue of being part of a millennia-old tradition, I feel rooted. I am well aware of my space in this narrative. The Indian identity comes to my rescue whenever I feel restless. Secondly, my very emotional composition is a reflection of this culture. We are an emotional and petulant people, with a strong moral compass that we are often not aware of ourselves. Our greatest strength is the power of sacrifice. We sacrifice, for our family, for those who we love, for our religion, for our language, for what we believe in. We are in love with the idea of love itself. 

I see myself as an inheritor of a great legacy. I cherish every moment of my life, to an extent that if my life was to be terminated today, I would say that it was the best ever. What makes this feeling most beautiful is that I could not have said this at every moment in life. I have felt despondent, morbid, depressed at so many junctures. But the light and warmth of love has kept me going. The sacrifice of my family and my loved ones has given me strength. I toil to keep going, because I know I am not alone. Because my country, my culture, my religion has taught me that this isn't about me. 

Like Krishna, I attempt to balance between the serious and the trivial, the sensual and the spiritual, the cunning and the generous, the temporary and the ephemeral. I seek to enjoy life, in all its colour, but keep unbroken my sense of a greater purpose.

Of course, none of this suggests that we are perfect, or even superior in any way. We riot, we kill, we rape - obviously not everything is alright. But above all of this, we hope. We hope that one day we will organise ourselves into a society which is better for all of us. I believe it is this hope that not only keeps our country together, but also helps our country grow as rapidly as it has recently. 

I, for one, am very hopeful. We are a lazy bunch. But day-by-day, year-by-year, we are making progress. We will get annoyed, argue, fight, sulk, but then get back together. Chipping away at the layers of ignorance, arrogance, greed, and indifference. I am certain (not just hopeful) that India will continue to shine, and demonstrate that a people can peacefully organise themselves and improve their lot. I end with Tagore - "Where the mind is without fear and head is held high. Where knowledge is free. Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls. Where words come out from the depth of truth. Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection. Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the dreary desert sand of dead habit. Where the mind is led forward by thee into ever widening thought and action. Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake."

Pursuit of Happiness

"But you are so successful. What do you have to be sad about?"

I have faced this question so many times in life, that now I snap whenever I am asked this. The question is often followed by another assertion - "look at people who are not as fortunate as you." There is something very disturbing about the idea that happiness should be relative; or that being 'fortunate' or 'lucky' should make me happy. In fact, having been 'lucky' would make me fearful and insecure.

Along the journey of life, I have met some very incredible and interesting individuals, but most people seem either unsettled or plain unhappy in their lives. Many fit into stereotypes - the insecure over-achiever, the unsettled career guy, the heart-broken genius and the like. Many times in life, and more so recently, I have thought that given that I did well in most things I put my heart and mind into, perhaps I could really succeed if I put effort into being happy.

I am sure that the last word in this experiment of mine hasn't been said, but a mid-journey review doesn't read too well. I am not sure if happiness is something that could be achieved, or something that just comes if you start trying. What I have been able to do is to identify the primary character traits that make me unhappy; but that begets the question of whether these character traits are innate. If not, and if they developed over time, can I undo them? After all, we acquire these traits not consciously, but they seep into us as we go through life. Changing them seems difficult, if not impossible.

I reflect on some of the moments in life that made me really happy, and I see a common thread running through them - self worth. Many where moments where I felt that I had achieved something (especially if I had achieved that thing after months of hard work), or where I felt very optimistic about the future. Music and dance, to the extent that the lyrics bring hope and joy, make me happy too.

But where does that leave me in the quest for happiness? One option is to keep achieving and keep feeding my self-worth. Nothing wrong in that, but it just seems like doing what I have been doing all this while. That doesn't sound exciting. Plus, the final moment of success will be preceded by months of doubt and fear. Does that momentary exhilarating feeling of achievement compensate for the troubles of the entire path? I don't know.

Krishna says in the Gita - "karmanyeva adhikarastey, ma faleshu kadachana", i.e. you have a right only over your action, and not the result of the action. Can I somehow get myself to enjoy the process, the action; rather than the result of the action? In other words, is it humanly possible for something to get interested in something, and keep doing it because he/she enjoys it, and not because it would lead to something? I guess it is possible; but having grown up in an environment of moderate scarcity, where I have had to go out and obtain things, I am restless doing things that I feel are not contributing to something bigger.

For now, I will take the easy way out - both! It is probably too late in life (or perhaps too early?) for me to completely dissociate from how I have lived, and how I have got where I have. As I like to tell myself (rather dramatically) - I have blood on my hands. However, I also feel that I am at a stage in life where I should perhaps start thinking about alternative paths, and start exploring them.