Every view I have will quite certainly not be unique, and every experience I have will also have been experienced by several before me. But the probability of somebody having the exact same sequences of experiences as me would be hopelessly low, and hence my views on these experiences are likely to be quite different from most other people. Hence, I write on how every experience of my life is shaping me - guiding me, and being guided by me, towards a future that appears as hopeless as the past has appeared distant.
The last few months, starting from October last year, have been extremely taxing emotionally. I have heard of emotional breakdowns - but this was just so much different. There were issues in friendships, which unfortunately got intricately linked to societies in college. So fragile was this system of interdependence that I had been party to weaving, that once one fell, everything else also seemed to fall out of place.
Today, I see myself in a very different light. Sometimes I feel I do not recognise myself, that these past nine months have forever changed me. For one, I do not think I will ever fall in love. Because I did. Love that was more generic than just interactions between two individuals, love that has known only complete devotion and submission. A broken heart, and more so a broken heart that knew pure love, is hard, maybe impossible to repair. Now, I do not believe that that is necessarily a bad thing. Maybe not being ready to love people so easily is infact a good thing!
The only thing that I feel upset about is that it all had to end this way. My conception of success had always been one which I shared with people around me whom I love. Probably I so desperately wanted it because I have barely ever had people in my life to share my success with. Alas, it does not seem to be meant to be. Probably, the next few successes I have in life, of course with the doses of failure, will be solitary ones. The chalice of success without friends to toast with feels empty, but it is a chalice nonetheless.
On the flipside, I met some people on the way, through this most tumultuous of times, whom I think I can possibly form relationships with. Of course, no longer will I be blind in my faith in friendship and in things good and rosy. But maybe these relations might work. After all, nothing is impossible.
I end this post with a word of caution for the reader. Never try to stretch yourself for somebody else, it just ends up tearing you.
Good luck!
