I remember the first time I watched English Vinglish. It was one of the few post - college movies for which we could mobilise almost our entire group of friends, and we went to Connaught Place, watched the movie and then had birthday celebrations on the street. At the end of this fantastic scene from the movie, Sridevi says something that stuck with me since then - that when you don't like yourself, you tend to dislike everything associated with you and new things look attractive. When you learn to love yourself, then the same old life starts looking new, starts feeling nice.
That has been the story of this last term at Oxford. I did precisely the same things that I did last year - met a lot of new people, started living in a new house, took new courses, and partied a lot. And yet, whereas I remember last Michaelmas as very melancholic, this one seems joyous. The world around me has, of course, not changed much. It is the outlook that seems to have changed.
Positivity is a word one hears a lot, but I certainly didn't understand its potency till very recently. I like to believe that I climbed the ladder of success with blood on my hands. This 'blood' refers to feelings of envy, anger and frustration that has characterised my journey from Visakhapatnam to Oxford. I reacted very strongly to negative emotions, and worked very hard to fight with them, and that helped me professionally. I am at a crossroad now, have been for a year. I have come a long way, and I need to reset and start a new journey where laurels of the past willl show diminishing returns very quickly. And therefore I need to choose how to motivate myself.
The summer helped me let go of a lot of emotional baggage that I had been carrying. The feeling of hurt that I had accumulated over the years made me look at the world, and people around me, very cynically. I became sensitive, became afraid. Over this most beautiful summer, so many things and so many burdens from the past have been let go of. And I can finally once again engage in the activity of making myself a better individual. The fear of failure holds back the first step. With that gone, I feel ready for a marathon.
Profesionally, I can engage in things I want to do. I have spent much time this term working on RSSAF's consulting work. It brings back memories of St. Stephen's College and building institutions from the ground. I'm also taking my time looking for jobs, and am being more risk - tolerant in my job search. I also feel more confident about what I want to do, and preparing for the long-drawn task of looking for something suitable. Not much has been gained over the last year to explain this change. Except positivity.
The most important thing has been to treat myself as kindly as I tend to treat others. When my reaction to others who err is to forgive, why be needlessly harsh with myself? When I provide comfort to someone who messed up a relationship, why shouldn't I comfort myself similarly? The same logic should be applied the other way round - to treat others as one would like to be treated. When I expect empathy and kindness, why not give the same to others? I am trying to push the boundaries of my empathy, trying to see things from others' point of view. It's an ongoing journey of discovery. I'm excited.
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