One fine day in the middle of February, I starting working on my thesis one afternoon. At some point later in the day, I realised I was sitting in a dark room working away on my laptop. I can't recollect being so (voluntarily) consumed by anything in the recent past. Now that I try to think of what the last two months meant to me, I would say it was re-discovering my past, and preparing for the future.
In the last two months, I learnt a lot about risk. The fundamental risk I have been struggling with is the one associated with leaving behind what you're good at, to look for newer pastures. Over the years in school and college, I learnt to be good at a particular thing, and that has been immensely helpful in getting me to Oxford and all the wonderful opportunities. But what worked back then might not work anymore. Perhaps, to take my life and career from here on, in the direction that I want it to go in, will need a new set of skills and priorities. Therein lies the fear. In trying to reach out, in being 'greedy', will I lose out on what I had already earned?
At the Rhodes Retreat at the end of term, I had a eureka moment when asked a question about what we would like to do in a world where I didn't have to worry about money at all. We were then quizzed about what we looked for in a job, and finally about the role of money. I realised how whatever I had done, and whatever I aspired to do, had a number of characteristics in common. What money seemed to be doing in my life plans was to increase my risk appetite! All these years, I have let my intuition guide critical career decisions. I finally got some insight into what that intuition is. Somewhere within me is a person who loves to learn, take risks and create things. What dense layers I have built around that care!
Looking within was another theme emerging out of last term. Unlike much of my time at Oxford, I barely ventured out of my room. I used that solitude to think more about life, happiness and my role in the world. In my relationships, I experimented with my own feelings - and, trust me, that is the hardest thing I have done! Self-awareness, I realised, gives me tremendous strength, not least because a self-aware individual is also an attractive individual. Of course, self - awareness is not a binary, and there are varying degrees - hopefully I have crossed a few.
