Of love, hate and fear

There are days, such as today, when I wake up in the morning thinking - how many people dislike me! Yes, it is an egocentric view of the world, but one that could easily be justified by verbal jugglery. I wonder, however, what it is about the idea of love and hate that rattles me so much. Why this constant need to be told that I am loved? And why this desperate scramble to be hated by as few people as possible?

I could bring it down to the following hypotheses - 

While in College, I always justified my affinity for affection and warmth by pointing to the total lack of it during the last year of school that I spent alone; or to go even further, my lack of close friends in my school days. After completing primary school and before joining College, I had only had 'school friends'. Once I was back home, there was nobody I would like to meet or spend my time with. Hence, I began to value friendship a lot. When I came to College, I made some really great friends, and it's no surprise that most of my close friends were friends in residence - it satisfied my want for friends outside of work/study. They made me feel wanted, loved and cared for. So why the fear of being hated? Probably because I feared I'll lose them. Very often, this fear lead me to fawn and plead before them. Often, I did things which today I cannot justify - so that I could be in their good books. What has probably changed now is that I'm more willing to let go. It makes me feel lighter. The emotional baggage was becoming too much. Now, I feel I've done enough - and if I am still hated, I'm probably being judged unfairly. Hence, it is best to let people go, explore the world and then judge me in a more unbiased way.

The second, probably more potent fear, is one of being hated by people who do not know me. On one hand, I feel bad about being judged by people who do not know me. But what irritates me more is that I actually care. To put it in a friend's words, what need am I satisfying? The only reason I can find is the constant need to be appreciated. Again, I can justify this need by showing it as socially optimal. For example, if this need to be appreciated makes me do 'good' things, then what's wrong? To which another person's argument would be - if you do things for appreciation, should you even do them at all? To which I'd say that the end justifies the means in this case.

In life, as in economics, two opposites can be justified by the same person. I am not principally opposed to this urge for appreciation. I am opposed to it more functionally - if it makes me sad at times, I should not have it. I do not like this position where I am dependent on other peoples' opinions for my own happiness. I thus feel the need to embark on this journey where I make myself more indifferent to people's opinions. Honestly, it is a fine line between being more indifferent and totally indifferent. The latter I would characterise as being arrogant. So here begins another of those journeys where I am trying to figure out the alignment of my own values' compass.

Inheritance of Innocence

If there's one learning that I have had in life, it is that innocence is a great asset. For some, it might appear that one is staying in a cocoon  Firstly, I would argue that innocence would not care much about public opinion. Secondly, anything that is unusual will most probably be made fun of. 

The biggest advantage to innocence is that it doesn't judge - opportunities, people etc. It helps one keep an open mind to whatever comes one's way. For example, very often people would let go of an opportunity thinking that it is not worth it, or is too tough. However, if one is innocent, one would not come into the situation with preconceived notions. The learning, in that case, is much more. In my life, I remember doing completely useless work at times; and I have got some of my greatest learnings and thrills in life from such work. To quote Steve Jobs, you can only connect the dots looking backward. However, judgement can prevent someone from doing things.

The second advantage of innocence is that it brings humility. When one acknowledges that he is innocent and hence does not know too much about things, it will bring a willingness to listen to people and learn from them. People define arrogance in many ways - some, for example, will define it is as boasting about one's achievements. I take a very functional view to arrogance. For me, arrogance is an unwillingness to change. How does it matter if someone boasts about his successes as long as he still recognises that he has to achieve far more? It is only when he starts believing that he has achieved all is there a problem. With this in mind, innocence will lead one to listen to people with an open heart, and this humility will probably result in stronger bonds with people.

Thirdly, innocence brings hope. I think the only power driving my ship right now is hope - if not for this hope, my life would have been over long back. I remember having the 'do you believe in God' conversation with lots of people. My answer has always been that I believe that God is a force that ensures that good happens to good people. Many people call this approach of mine as a 'rate of interest' idea. However, for me it is an idea of hope. If good things don't happen to good people, nobody has an incentive to be good, and then the entire society will stay in an equilibrium where everyone does bad. Why would I want to be part of such a society? I believe in God because I need to; and given what all I've been through, I do have reasons to doubt it (as well as plenty of reason to believe in it). Innocence keeps the hope alive - that despite all the pain, all the suffering, there will one day be redemption.