"But you are so successful. What do you have to be sad about?"
I have faced this question so many times in life, that now I snap whenever I am asked this. The question is often followed by another assertion - "look at people who are not as fortunate as you." There is something very disturbing about the idea that happiness should be relative; or that being 'fortunate' or 'lucky' should make me happy. In fact, having been 'lucky' would make me fearful and insecure.
Along the journey of life, I have met some very incredible and interesting individuals, but most people seem either unsettled or plain unhappy in their lives. Many fit into stereotypes - the insecure over-achiever, the unsettled career guy, the heart-broken genius and the like. Many times in life, and more so recently, I have thought that given that I did well in most things I put my heart and mind into, perhaps I could really succeed if I put effort into being happy.
I am sure that the last word in this experiment of mine hasn't been said, but a mid-journey review doesn't read too well. I am not sure if happiness is something that could be achieved, or something that just comes if you start trying. What I have been able to do is to identify the primary character traits that make me unhappy; but that begets the question of whether these character traits are innate. If not, and if they developed over time, can I undo them? After all, we acquire these traits not consciously, but they seep into us as we go through life. Changing them seems difficult, if not impossible.
I reflect on some of the moments in life that made me really happy, and I see a common thread running through them - self worth. Many where moments where I felt that I had achieved something (especially if I had achieved that thing after months of hard work), or where I felt very optimistic about the future. Music and dance, to the extent that the lyrics bring hope and joy, make me happy too.
But where does that leave me in the quest for happiness? One option is to keep achieving and keep feeding my self-worth. Nothing wrong in that, but it just seems like doing what I have been doing all this while. That doesn't sound exciting. Plus, the final moment of success will be preceded by months of doubt and fear. Does that momentary exhilarating feeling of achievement compensate for the troubles of the entire path? I don't know.
Krishna says in the Gita - "karmanyeva adhikarastey, ma faleshu kadachana", i.e. you have a right only over your action, and not the result of the action. Can I somehow get myself to enjoy the process, the action; rather than the result of the action? In other words, is it humanly possible for something to get interested in something, and keep doing it because he/she enjoys it, and not because it would lead to something? I guess it is possible; but having grown up in an environment of moderate scarcity, where I have had to go out and obtain things, I am restless doing things that I feel are not contributing to something bigger.
For now, I will take the easy way out - both! It is probably too late in life (or perhaps too early?) for me to completely dissociate from how I have lived, and how I have got where I have. As I like to tell myself (rather dramatically) - I have blood on my hands. However, I also feel that I am at a stage in life where I should perhaps start thinking about alternative paths, and start exploring them.
