One last time?

It's been nearly seven months since I was last at home. This is by far the longest I've been away. The previous highest must have been a measly three-four months. However, what matters more is that it has been seven months since I have closed my eyes and found myself free. Yes, I've been in a race, and now that I am coming to the fag end of the race, I'm exhausted.

It's been a long time - over a year maybe - of running with multiple things on the plate. But now is when I have begun to feel it. Have I reached the limits of my existence? Can I carry no more? Well, even if that's true, the way ahead is just to expand what I can do. What's the fun in merely identifying your limits, nay?

What struck me after the rejection at Monitor was - whatever I do at college, does it come to zero once I begin my job? Honestly, I am not in a position to answer that. I can argue that the 'spirit' and 'ambition' matters, but then there is nothing in particular that I did in college that resulted in these, it was more a relic of my school days.

So, heading into CAT, it is all a bit muddled up. More importantly, I can't think right now, because my brain is quite exhausted. One thing is for sure - it is the last time, so I'm going to pick up the ball and I'm going to run, run as fast as I can. Whether I reach where I want to is now clearly immaterial. What matters is to run the last mile.

I don't know how to write

It's been such a long time I don't know how it feels to write, what to write and how to write ... it feels numb, honestly, to be typing away at the keyboard after all these days. The last post was on June 18, 2011. It must have been right in the beginning of the summer break. Things have changed dramatically since then - I have cut off a cancerous part of my life, have moved a few steps in my career, have come back to college and made new friends, had a wonderful DreaMerger ... the list keeps going on.

At the beginning, change was difficult. When you get used to someone or something being an integral part of your life, and when that someone isn't there - there is an emptiness in life. But sometimes, it is just necessary to cut off that 'something' for your own well-being. People ask me 'why did it happen?', and I don't say anything. Maybe one day I will, maybe that day will be before college is over - but not right now. Have I moved on? I think, yes. I don't think about it much now; I simply don't have the time. I've found a new thing to love, a new emotion to feel. At the beginning of each day, I feel like a new person.

Something at the top of my mind right now is the movie 'Titanic'. Something about that movie holds me spell-bound. Perhaps it is the cinematic genius, but I suspect that it is my fascination with the real Titanic. The idea of a 'watery grave' is as enticing as it is enigmatic. It is a part of time one can't reach, but whose gravity escapes no one. It is like time which 'used to be', which isn't, but which is still there with us somehow.

I've been out of practice, but I'll try to get used to this soon.

P.s. thanks for your wishes, folks. That you believe in me is what matters more than anything else.