2012 was a year that had changed my life forever. The CAT result catapulted me in a very different space both professionally and personally. It gave me the confidence that everything that had happened before was not a fluke - gave me confidence that I could hold my own against my brethren who had chosen an engineering path, and who I've always viewed as mentally superior beings. Then the final results of the economics (H) course gave me further confidence that I had achieved something I (and a lot of others) never believed I could do. I had never felt as vindicated as I did the day I topped the class. I would be forgiven for thinking that I would never see a year better than 2012.
But 2013 fulfilled me in ways that I've never been fulfilled before, and it is funny that it came at work. My way of thinking, perspective towards life and towards economics changed while I was working on a project at McKinsey this year. I took baby-steps towards self-actualisation. I learnt to accept myself more completely, to be conscious and expressive of my feelings and to be an 'extremist' proponent of my point of view. Nothing that I had ever achieved before taught me to love myself! This is precisely what I learnt this past year - that no matter what I do, no matter what I achieve or I don't - I AM, and hence I should love myself.
I met some very interested people last year, and I was awed and inspired by them. A true guru is one who enables his shishya to be independent, and I was taught how to be independent. I observed keenly, and then blended the learnings into my own way of living. I felt enlivened and excited by this personal experiment. Till then, I had very successfully trained my mind in any which way I wanted; last year I perhaps took the first steps in training my soul.
I have loved thrice, and in my fair evaluation, failed each time. But last year I learnt how to accept the failure of my love. I also learnt that it isn't always necessary to be there; because every time I feel thankful to my mother's gentle care, I also feel proud of my father's stern demeanor. I could keep indulging my friends' inadequacies (as they have often indulged mine), but at some point a change of tact is necessitated - and this realisation has allowed me to experiment with different modes. Today, I think both of them are on a path that will give them more happiness in the long term. What else could I have asked for!
As I am writing this post, I realise how much I've changed in the last one year. When I think really hard does the Rhodes Scholarship come to my mind. I am finally learning to value other things in life - like the time spent in Europe and Thailand! It is the experiences, the paths, that I remember, and not the end goal.
My only prayer for the coming year is that my feet stay firmly on the ground. God has given me far more than I deserve. I want to be a worthy beneficiary of God's grace. I want to be a source of joy to my friends' lives. And I want to fulfill that burning ambition at the root of my sadness - to be a good son, a good brother.
