My e-mail to my friends, Aashik and Manchit, regarding my fear of failure, and my fear of being 'left behind'.
I feel it useless to write to you in such manner, but I will - because I probably need to tell somebody.
If you ask somebody to tell you something about me, they'll probably talk about topping Delhi. But as Pallavi once told me, that was a matter of chance. In every REAL world interaction, I have always failed. And that includes my foreign application rejections and my failure at internships. Let me also add that to be honest, I'm not a good debater, of even if I am, I'm not a "winner" debater. Yaar, I'm honestly just a (moderately) big-brained guy, who has failed at most things that do not involve a very large academic component.
Why does this bother me, the internship failure? Well, I tried a lot, more than I've ever done. Either I didn't try as hard as you guys did, or I wasn't as lucky. I'm very bad at interacting with people, but I tried this time - as I did try for my foreign admissions. Yes, I try to keep up a strong face, but I'm very fearful and shy at heart - i get hurt easily, and often. It's just that I'm so tired of getting hurt, I have to ignore them to feel happy.
Getting back, I fear people will move ahead of me, overtake me. No matter what you think I am, I am your ordinary college-going boy, I share your fears, aspirations, insecurities and everything else. I too do not want to be left behind, and I'm quite convinced I will be when I don't do anything this summer and others do. You are not the cause of my worries, you are the signs. Remember Aashik how you said I just need to keep up with people in college to be ahead of them? People have moved ahead of me in college, Aashik. I am failing.
My health battered, morale shattered - I just feel very lost now. I have no idea where I am going in life. Also, please don't tell me you guys have the same feelings about your life - I am sure we all have problems, and I am not claiming that mine is greater than yours, all I'm saying is that mine is different from yours - because they originated due to different reasons. So, the next time I talk to you, and if I am sad, please do not ask me to be happy, for I cannot carry on a fake smile anymore.
Now to answer a basic question of life - what makes me happy in life? Am I chasing success? Well, I tried to find joy in others' happiness, and I got rebuked - because I was accused of having an acerbic tongue by my closest of friends, and thus my words defeated my actions. I achieved success, and I can probably do that again. But I can't have infinite success, and there will always be somebody more successful than me. My fears will soon overcome me, and will pull me into the depths of inferiority complex. So be it.
Regards,
Subhashish
3 comments:
I don't understand - how is topping Delhi a matter of chance, and foreign admissions, internships and the like not? Or, what exactly do you mean by a "REAL world interaction"?
As for chasing success, if a recent movie is to be believed, we're all supposed to be chasing excellence =P
Hi Sahil, it's been a long time.
So, my point was that see, topping Delhi involved hard work, yes. But there were lots of 'luck' factors involved - primary among them was what kind of teacher checked your english papers. My section got lucky that way.
What I meant by 'real world interactions' was where you interact with people. Like if I take an exam, I don't directly interact with the examiner. But when I appear for a Yale or internship interview, I interact directly with the interviewer. And that is where they primarily differ.
Yes, but if you're talking about foreign admission interviews, you must know that they play a very tiny role in the overall process. They're more for seeing that you're not some kind of wacko than for assessing your brilliance :P
As for internship interviews, I don't really know.
The bottom line is, sometimes things don't work out. Don't you think you're being a little too harsh on yourself?
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