Skeletons in the cupboard

Very often I've had the experience when someone saying something harsh about me has sent me into introspection mood, which usually doesn't turn out to be a good experience. I don't think anybody likes to be hated. While some of us might argue that if we aren't hated, we might simply never have stood up for what we believe in. However, that argument doesn't cut much ice with me - for example, why is it not possible to stand up for what you believe in, and achieve it using persuasion rather than confrontation? My belief is that the world and people are intrinsically good natured (but embittered by their insecurities and experiences) and hence, persuasion should also work with them. With the caveat that I usually do not like to talk about myself, I begin my rant.

In most cases, I agree I need to be despised. There are two reasons why I believe so - firstly, in pursuance of my aims, I have had to rub certain people the wrong way; secondly, I now feel I procrastinate immensely, even when it comes to matters of my heart. The first gives me enemies, the second friends who are hurt.

Talking about the first, I have done two kinds of major things in life - firstly, things that are genuinely noble; and second, things that benefit my friends. In trying to do things that, even from today's vantage point, were noble, I have had to challenge the status quo. The status quo will be a stable system only when there is no pareto superior outcome, i.e. when there is at least one set of people, usually the dominant set, that benefits from the way things are. To break the status quo, it has been necessary for me to take an antagonistic stance to that set of people. The only question that haunts me now is whether I gave them a fair chance otherwise. Love and kindness are powerful tools, and I ask myself whether I really gave this set of people a fair chance. Perhaps not; perhaps I went into the entire thing with preconceived notions that were not always entirely mine. Did I have a discussion with them telling them about what I wanted to do and the change I wanted to bring? No. This is where I can understand being hated.

The second is where I feel most guilty in hindsight. Whenever I was helping my friends (as they were helping me), a natural question that occurred to me was whether what we were simply doing was concentrating benefits in a few hands, i..e whether we were simple transferring success from others to our friends. Life is mostly a competitive place; and hence helping someone mostly means you are harming someone else. My conscience could never really be at peace with that, but I closed my eyes back then and took a plunge. I still don't know where to draw the line; and I'm hoping that with time I'll learn.

Now coming to the second reason, the reason that would cause my friends to dislike me - my lack of complete honesty. It's a natural and sensible state in friendship to expect complete honesty from a friend. What makes it complicated is having lots of friends. A simple example - a friend tells you something and asks you to tell nobody, and then another friend asks you something for which this information is relevant. What should you do? In any case, you'll end up being dishonest to one of your friends. My current modus operandi is to be dishonest while constantly questioning my friends about the alternative stance I could have taken.

Lastly, not being able to be honest because of fear is, to me, my greatest problem. There are two problems with it - firstly, to live in fear is not the best experience; second, to be dishonest also isn't. This is again one problem which I now acknowledge and seek people's opinions. Is it worthwhile to lie knowing that the truth will hurt the friend? Someone told me that it isn't, given that the truth eventually always comes out. But what if you're a consummate liar and the truth can forever be hidden. Then what? Then does lying become justifiable? 

Honestly speaking, it's an exciting journey for me now. To be able to bring my life down to such crisp questions gives me the clarity that I had always been lacking. I'm sure the answers will one day come, and I'm waiting eagerly.