The unending, pervasive anxiety

If, like me, you're prone to anxiety, you might've realised that it doesn't go away with changed circumstances. Instead, it morphs in innovative ways to perpetuate its presence. I'm on a journey to get better at managing it everyday, much like I would a lifestyle disease.

Thankfully, I do not exhibit the physical symptoms of anxiety - breathlessness, sweaty hands, etc. Instead, I experience a pervasive and crushing feeling of doom. In response, I wish the day ends sooner. I binge-eat. I look for other distractions; often unhealthy ones.

It feels incredibly lonely and hopeless. Lonely because it is difficult to explain this anxiety to myself, let alone to a friend or well-wisher. Hopeless because at some point, I start fearing how anxiety makes me feel rather than anxiety itself, opening an infinite loop.

I often look forward to changed circumstances - a vacation, completion of a project, a job switch, etc. - in the hope that it would lower the anxiety. I've repeatedly been surprised by my mind's ability to find new ways to worry. This made me realise it won't fully go away.

These days, I try to actively manage anxiety every day. There are lots of useful resources online on how to go about it. One way is intentional breathing; just observing the rhythm of breath helps me feel calm. Reading, especially right before sleeping, also helps.

Better eating is another - even if not immediately helpful, it comforts me to know that I am building towards long-term resilience. Ditto for exercise, whose immediate impact is more obvious. Even on days I can't get a full workout, I try to do at least a few stretches.

Most importantly, I've found it useful to treat my anxiety not with trepidation but with curiosity. Understanding my mental patterns helps manage them more effectively. For e.g., I worry a lot about money; asking myself 'why' has made me deal with it in healthier ways.

I can't control being anxious and over-thinking the smallest triggers. What I can try to do is to compartmentalise them, so that I do not miss on the many joys of everyday life. After years of worrying through good days and bad, I'm keen to find that healthier balance.