I spent much of this past week in Mumbai, starting a project to help a frugal but mighty nonprofit measure and articulate its impact. Between the multitude of meetings and some time on the field, I spent my evenings meeting friends - some old, some new, and some in-between. All of them started with the usual but much needed catching up: jobs, moving across cities, relationships, how we're feeling and what's top of mind for us. With those out of the way, however, we got talking about thoughts that we often don't find time for in the busy-ness of our daily lives (or the shallowness of the social media era). Our aspirations, fears, sense of self, heartaches, etc. Needless to say, my soul felt nourished afterwards!
A common theme that was part of all these conversations was about our parents and how their post-retirement lives were playing out. Some saw their parents struggle with the sudden lack of purpose and motivation once they quit the workforce. Others found that their parents had cultivated a community and interests that were helping them power through testing situations like cancer diagnosis in the immediate family. Some spoke about how one parent (typically the mother) had made the other parent (typically the father) the center of their universe for decades and suddenly found themselves excessively dependent on the spouse. Across these stories, the common thread was one of coping with a transformational life event, especially at a stage in life when so many things that defined the previous few decades - children, job, work friends, etc. - wither away.
What differentiates those who cope well? Despite this terribly small sample size (which the economist of me would castigate me for), it seems to me that those who cultivated other interests beyond just work and the immediate family. These interests, be it sports, culture, community, learning, etc. did not need to end with the job and therefore became a sense of continuity and purpose for people post-retirement. The retirees who spend hours playing sports or talking to a community they'd always been in touch with, or going for art performances, usually found themselves happier. Those who didn't have these interests often found themselves leaning more into the lives of their family members in ways that are often unhealthy. It is no surprise that being busy after retirement helps, but the fact that this sense of purpose can come from many different avenues was new to me.
However, it seems that one needs to cultivate these interests several years before retirement. It's challenging (if not outright impossible) to develop them after retirement. Getting into sports later in your life will always be an uphill climb. If you haven't developed the patience and focus to appreciate art, that will take a long time to build. Making friends and finding a community gets difficult with age any way. It reminds me of the rule-of-thumb that to be good at something, you need about 10,000 hours of practice. As one ages, those thousands of hours just seem more daunting. These conversations made me realise the importance of keeping these interests alive, even when work and family alone seem to occupy all the hours of our day. Perhaps it's the one day a month at a play. Or a day a week playing sport. Those who coped well after retirement seemed to have kept their attention and interests diversified, even if the space each of them occupied varied over time.
These past few months have felt busy, and the fact that I find my work meaningful means that I could spend many extra hours on it without blinking an eyelid. Occasionally, it's felt like a struggle to go watch a performance or spend lots of unstructured hours with friends or to even go for my cherished morning walk. The conversations this week made me realise that the struggle may well be worth it. Much like the investments that we need to make in mental and physical well-being, these are perhaps investments we make in our social and emotional wellbeing. That, eventually, lead to a richer life!
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