My Year Back in India

October 8, 2016 was the day I returned to India after spending two years in the UK. To be fair, I had visited India frequently even while I was at Oxford. However, the experiences of seasonal visitors and residents are very different. While I was gone, things had changed in India – for better or for worse – and I returned to a country that seemed far more divided than the one I remembered.

While the UK provided a very nourishing environment for me and helped me grow in many ways, the feeling of being ‘othered’ constantly bothered me. The colour of my skin had never occupied such centre-stage in my life before. Therefore, even as I made friends from different countries and learnt new skills or life-lessons, there was a yearning to go back home. Funnily, the place where I chose to return was Bangalore. The city is, at the surface, just like the cities I grew up in; and while the feeling of being ‘othered’ reduced substantially, it didn’t quite disappear. I under-estimated language as a factor that divides individuals. However, I share with Bangaloreans the underlying values that I have come to embody. Therefore, the relationships I have formed here have been much deeper than the ones I formed in Oxford.

The highlight of coming back has been the re-engagement with my friends. While I would meet them even when I was visiting from Oxford, I can now meet them for more than a few hours a year. Not only do I meet my friends more frequently, I get to spend a lot more quality time with them. Friends have visited and stayed over at my little place in Bangalore, some friends live in Bangalore and others have been co-travellers. I had feared that I will miss out on the weddings of many of my friends. But as the marriage engine cranks up, I have enjoyed sharing with my friends their lives’ special moments!

On the work front, I found myself in the middle of a maelstrom. As part of the Digital Identity team at Omidyar Network, I was working on Aadhaar-related issues. This was a topic that soon emerged as a polarising one with very little space for neutrality. In this situation, trying to be a voice of reason has been personally very exhausting. Yet, I feel that we’ve started making a difference. The State of Aadhaar Report and Digital Identity Research Initiative that we’ve funded will hopefully fill a vacuum of data that exists in this debate. Personally, it has been a steep learning curve, which has allowed me to have a well-informed discussion on this topic.

Therefore, as I look back at the year that I’ve been in India, it has passed by very quickly. Working on an issue that is central to the country’s future has been a highlight. It has motivated me to work harder, late at nights, over weekends and even while waiting in hospitals! I also realised that work doesn’t feel like work when you’re working on something that excites you.

My journey to Oxford started with me saying in my Rhodes interview that helping people is not something that I see as a distinct task, but a part of everyday life. Relatedly, while coming back to India wasn’t motivated solely by a burning desire to make a change in the country, I’ve been fortunate to get that opportunity and have tried to run with it.

On Twitter

It's been a few months since I became active on twitter. I use my handle to share things that I'm learning about digital identity. Given the active and often acrimonious discourse around Aadhaar, my twitter feed is often full of tweets from individuals who are very passionate about this subject. There have been a few times that I've been attacked either personally or as part of the organisation that I am part of. Of course, my nature is to not be drawn towards anything I perceive as negative or aggressive. But the way discussions play out on twitter leaves me dejected.

I feel saddened that people fail to realise that, at the end of the day, it's just an individual on the other side. An individual who has similar aspirations, fears and motivations as us. As much as we highlight the differences between us and ascribe ulterior motives (greed, lust for power, etc.) to the 'other', I strongly believe that there's something unifying between us. It is true that our values differ and those values result in different actions. But, in any case, values are social constructs. The foundations underlying human actions are emotions. And here, we have more in common.

If this is true, then respecting another individual irrespective of the opinion he/she holds is paramount. If I cannot respect the individual on the other side, how do I respect myself? If respect and courtesy becomes a function of opinions and other things, what will prevent me tomorrow from expanding the set of independents to include more and more variables?

The viciousness and aggression that media like twitter unleash, even among so-called 'liberal' circles, has surprised me. In such an environment, self-reflection becomes all but impossible. And if self-reflection becomes difficult publicly, it would lead to a deterioration in public discourse because all of us would only put our best (and safest) foot forward.

But what does this mean for me personally? The train has left the station on this one and I feel powerless before the larger forces that drive this medium. I'm glad that twitter didn't exist when I was younger, impressionable and more prone to hurt. Today, I can carry on a difficult discourse on twitter, while at the same time turning to Facebook, a smaller circle, to talk about my own learnings in life. I shudder to think of a world where the aggression of online fora would silence me and many others. Till then, this is perhaps a battle worth fighting. A battle to create safe spaces online.

Three times they said I can't

As the nation celebrated its 70^th year of independence, the word ‘independent’ means different things to us. Both patriotism and cynicism can be seen in ample measure on social media. Many of us will refer to the independence from British colonial brutality. While that was an important objective by itself, independence is much more than freedom from oppression. To me, independence is the freedom to be the navigator of one’s own destiny. As a nation, that’s a path that we finally got on to 70 years back. We’ve done quite well for ourselves. Even our worst outcomes, including corrupt politicians and demagogic leaders, has all been the result of our democratic process. Good or bad, whatever decisions have been made were ours.

Independence is also something that we fight for in our everyday lives. So many of my female friends need to fight that battle with society and their families, which have a particular expectation of what females should and (more importantly) shouldn’t do. We also strive for independence from society’s pressures, expectations and fears. It’s a battle that all of us navigate all the time. Therefore, this independence day, I want to talk about three times when those around me provided advice that I eventually discarded. I see many friends get discouraged by what people around them say; they let their thoughts be coloured by the fears and biases of those they listen to. I believe that independence from fear is important as we strive towards something that we believe in. If there’s one lesson that I hold very dear, it is the lesson to not let others dictate the path of my life.

1) You will not get the Rhodes Scholarship

After spending a year as a management consultant at McKinsey, I decided to apply for the Rhodes Scholarship. When I was at St. Stephen’s, we perceived the scholarship as some sort of mythical distinction bestowed upon those who displayed a high degree of academic, extra-curricular or sports achievement. When I reached out to my professors for their recommendations, one of the senior professors remarked, “but they won’t give you the scholarship now.” I protested and said that my break from academics won’t prevent me from doing well in the course. “It’s not about the coursework – that’s not the hard bit. Once you’ve been marked with the corporate sector, they wouldn’t want to give it to you.” One of my closest friends at that time said later, “I support you in this, but realistically, there’s no way you would get the scholarship. You’ve worked in the corporate sector, after all.” On the day of the interview, I felt I had nothing to lose and had an interesting interview experience. While one of the panel members later told me that my inclusion had been a contentious decision, I did finally make it.

2) Indians don’t get a distinction on the M.Phil.

After having done poorly on my first-year macroeconomics paper, I thought that I might fail the first year of my M.Phil. At a party that evening, I ran into an Indian senior from the course, who comforted me that I would easily pass that particular paper. However, she added, “Doing well will be difficult because Indian degrees don’t prepare us well for this course.” Throughout the year, I heard about how difficult the math was, how demanding the assignments were and how competitive the classmates were. The pressure weighed quite heavily on me, especially the insinuation that it has something to do with my country and its economic degrees. I also wanted to prove that one could do well in the degree without studying all the time. I lived the two best years of my life through parties, dinners, dancing and travel. The challenge of it all egged me on. I remember listening to patriotic Bollywood songs right before my M.Phil. exams. I did well eventually, easily getting a distinction on the degree.

3) Non-engineers, non-doctors don’t do well on the CAT

This is one that I had heard way too often. The story went that engineers and doctors are so much better at math, and in general so much more hard-working, that they easily outperform others on the CAT. This, it was said, led the IIMs to relax entry requirements for non-engineers and non-doctors. Having not taken the engineering entrance examinations, I didn’t know how I stacked up against engineers. I internalised the logic to such an extent that I started believing that I’m bad at maths. I worked hard, very hard, on the quantitative section of the paper. Eventually, that paid off. I scored a 100 percentile on the CAT. The only non-engineer, non-doctor to do so.

Over time, as we earn more - money, reputation, relationships - we become more risk averse. We start wanting to protect what we have and lose the fearlessness of youth. Fear creeps in. That is when I find it useful to remind myself that there were times when people who mattered to me said that I can't do something, that I listened to myself and did it anyway, and that I succeeded. I look forward to listening from you about the times when you ignored those negative voices and your stories of personal triumph!

On Depression

"But Subbu, we can't be this weak" my friend said to me, beseeching me to not follow through on my decision to go to a psychologist. "What are you lacking in life? You've done so well, you're in Oxford. Think of all those who don't have what you have."

It was thankfully the second time that I had gone through a very rough patch. In the second year of St. Stephen's College, I first encountered what depression meant. My behaviour became increasingly erratic and I was often in a self-destructive mode. I placed almost all my relationships under tremendous pressure. It was a terribly lonely time. I remember my nineteenth birthday, when my friends had decorated a classroom and were celebrating, but I was crying because I couldn't get myself to feel happy. Soon after, I understood that this was just unnatural and that I needed to do something about it. With the help of medication and counselling, I pulled myself out of that. I scored a 100 percentile in CAT, stood 1st in St. Stephen's College, joined McKinsey, became a Rhodes Scholar and went to Oxford. I was on top of the world. Till I hit a rough patch again.

The second time was, in comparison, a breeze. I was sure of what I needed to do and didn't spend a lot of time engaging with my friends' unreasonable concerns. I was at ease telling friends and acquaintances that my transition to Oxford had hit a rough patch and I will be seeking professional help. The reactions surprised me and had it not been for my past experience, I may have struggled in the dark. Many around me, in fact, did!

Listen, don't solve

Having been through depression twice, I realised that what I sought was just someone to talk to. My friends in India were always there to help out and solve the problem for me, but sometimes I didn't need solving, I only needed a patient, non-judgmental ear. Therefore, for the next year-and-a-half at Oxford, I sought out other Scholars who weren't feeling great and spent time with them drinking coffee, having meals, practicing mindfulness and, in general, just listening to them. 

There need not be a reason for depression

For example, Rhodes Scholars are all achievers in their respective communities, but that doesn't prevent them from feeling depressed once they are in Oxford. There may be very obvious reasons, like the lack of sunshine to being in a strange country. Many break up with their long-time partners during their time at Oxford. 

There are two reasons why seeking the reason is often a futile exercise. I define depression as the breakage of the link with perfect rationality. In that situation, seeking to find a reason can place tremendous burden on a mind that is already possibly over-thinking. The second is that there is often no reason! While my second episode emanated from a tumultuous relationship in Oxford, I still struggle to articulate why the first one happened.

Seek Professional Help

The first time I sought professional help was almost accidental. I casually remarked to my brother one evening that I may need to see a counsellor. That evening, he took a flight from Mumbai to Delhi and took me to one. What started as a casual remark ended up as a three month engagement with medication and counselling that, regrettably, I abruptly ended. However, as soon as I sensed in Oxford that I may be in a similar situation again, I had alerted a few close friends. An incident of misjudgement convinced me that I should see a counsellor.

The first two sessions was only about hearing. The counsellor only asked me questions and at no point did he interject or advise me. Then, in the third session, he put together what I had said and helped me see the deep-seated issues that had been the cause of my issues. What I had thought were causes were only symptoms of something more fundamental.

I therefore recommend professional help, sooner rather than later, for anyone who is facing mental health issues. You can try, and may even succeed, to alleviate the immediate causes. But counselling helps because (a) you're talking to someone who has studied this in far more detail than your friends and family (b) as unique as you may think your problem is, it may fit a template that the counsellor has seen before.

It isn't Weakness

The question of weak or not is, honestly, besides the point. At some point, I was weak. I exercised and I became stronger. Therefore, even if I say that going to a counsellor was a sign of weakness, I exercised it and now feel that I can breeze through situations that other people may find challenging.

My greatest professional triumphs have come soon after my most difficult moments. Mental health issues are risks and opportunities. If they go unaddressed for too long, they might become festering wounds that interfere with other aspects of your life. But I see them as opportunities to build the foundations for future success. In particular, I have used the second episode as a springboard to let go of a lot of worries and focus on my happiness. 

Reach out!

The most important thing to remember when you're going though depression is that you aren't alone. I've always found tremendous support from family, friends and even acquaintances. Of course, not everyone will know how to help. I found it helpful to tell people what to do, rather than tell them that I have a problem and I need them to solve it for me. At the end of the day, you are the charioteer of your life. Every decision you make, whether in joy or in depression, is your own. Hence, accept it and own it. But incase you don't know where to start, do feel free to reach out to me and I'd be happy to talk.

Learning Forever

In a poignant scene from the movie Dangal, Mahavir Phogat tells his daughter to not forget how she reached where she had. That’s a very important lesson in life – one which we are all aware of, but probably do not follow as well. As I get ready to welcome the new year, I look back at all these years and there are the obvious pivotal moments of life – for example, moving to DPS, topping the boards, getting the Rhodes. But those set of ‘achievements’ masks the numerous ‘actions’ that led to them, that have shaped me as a person. I remember that when I was putting in the 13-hour study days back in middle school, I was always thinking that I wasn’t focussing enough on the foundations. I realise that I invested in several actions which didn’t have immediate payoffs, but have increased the probability of success now.

The most important, perhaps, is reading the newspaper for an hour every day. At first, it was a chore that I forced myself to perform. But very soon, it became something that I looked forward to. It has helped me increase my knowledge of the world around me. Is that knowledge useful? Perhaps. It certainly helps me build credibility when I am talking to people. In my opinion, it is one thing to be a subject matter expert and another to know a lot of different things. I tend to find the latter more engaging and interesting.

The second, surprisingly, would be health. For over ten years now, my body’s inherent weaknesses have been obvious to me and hence I have been trying very hard to improve my health. From waking up at six to go swimming to running through Christ Church meadows in the biting cold. Of course, when I moved to the UK, I realised that there was nothing unique in the effort that I put in. Yet, I do believe that compared to people around whom I grew up and my own past self, I was putting in a lot of effort. In the last year or so, the effort has intensified further with the entry into the gym. Hopefully, I will be able to race ahead of my body’s natural degenerative tendencies soon!

The third has been, boringly, hard work. What I mean is that I often participated in things without thinking too much about whether it made a ton of sense. Every experience is enriching and the more the experiences, the more enriching life becomes. I remember the one time when I heard about peers in school participating in a TV show on NDTV Metro Nation where over a dozen kids discussed issues. I swallowed my shyness and approached teachers who had never taught me and got myself to one of those shows. A few months down the line, having participated in a few more such shows, I found myself hosting a 10 – minute segment on the show all by myself. What a unique experience!

The fourth and perhaps the most important one is sacrifice. It has often been quite senseless and doesn’t always make sense to me. To put yourself out there (like I do when writing this blog) and to take a bit of the burden off others’ back and on to yourself is a high-risk proposition. Of course, I do it not expecting any reward or reciprocity. But I now see that it has helped me develop deep relations with people around me.

To be honest, I am getting complacent in life and forgetting many of these things that have helped me reach an economically secure position in life. For example, I think I have now become far more self-centred than I have ever been before. While change is a natural process and I do not want to unnecessarily resist it, I also want to create enough evidence that these activities and values are not required anymore. I see my life as an experiment and I want to extract as much learning as I can. To quite Mahavir Phogat from the movie, the first battle is with fear. Once fear has been conquered, the main battle is only of secondary importance.